Uncategorized - posted on June 24, 2016 by

Ramble 30

This is a fun one where I talk about dealing with a power outage, bad plumbing, songs that get stuck in your head, locking my fucking keys in my car while it’s fucking running like a fucking idiot and I also rank my Top Ten X-Men. Enjoy!

You can also find it on iTunes, please subscribe, give 5 stars, give it a positive review all that good shit

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Uncategorized - posted on June 17, 2016 by

The Ramble #29

This one is mainly about guns and weirdos. I also rank my Top Ten books about Vampires. Enjoy!

Also check it out on iTunes, subscribe, rate it 5 stars, say something nice… all that good shit

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Uncategorized - posted on June 5, 2016 by

The Ramble #27

Hello! Here is my latest podcast. I talk about getting my balls busted over something I did in a DREAM Brittney had… a fucking Dream! I also talk Witcher 3, “Fuck you!” weather and I rank my Top Ten moments from Captain America: Civil War. Enjoy!

Also, here’s the iTunes link. Subscribe, rate it 5 stars, give it a nice wholesome loving text review… All that good shit

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Uncategorized - posted on November 2, 2015 by

A Star Wars Goodbye

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is looming, and as we are all gleefully getting money shot by the anticipation, there’s a small tug of grief that’s been hitting me. Subtle jabs (similar to the one my cat gives me when the little shit is trying to steal a pillow) keep landing and while they don’t feel like they are doing much damage, they sure as shit are counting on the scorecard. Then, when the blows subside, the realization sets in. Han Solo is going to die.
It’s gonna happen. I’ve braced myself for this. The only dude I thought would ever have a chance against Indiana Jones in a fist fight is a goner. Our favorite scoundrel will have it all catch up to him. Just like the Kenny Rogers tune, we’ll see The Gambler break even. The Adele song to play over and over as I drive home from the theater crying while hearing him say “I don’t know, I can imagine quite a bit.” has already been picked out. Unless she has something even sadder coming out, it’s gotta be Someone Like You… right?!? 

When he says “Chewie, we’re home”, he’s talking about a fucking graveyard. And you know what? I bet Chewie dies too. Freebase on Ginko so you never forget all the joy you had with him. Call up that one annoying dude you used to know who smelled like a freshly opened bag of potato chips, but hung out with anyway because he did a perfect impersonation of the great Wookie. Tell him you missed him. Encourage him to howl one more time.   

Fuck it. They’re all going to die. The smart money is on R2-D2 dropping dead while chasing BB-8 around his yard just like Vito Corleone did with his grandson in The Godfather. Lando has probably already died. We’ll find out by some passing shot of a billboard advertising some shitty Cloud City minor league team having a “Lando Memorial Night” or some bullshit like that. I’m certain that the adorable baby Ewok from Return of the Jedi grew up to autoerotic asphyxiate itself.   

Just be ready. I am. Seeing Optimus Prime take one for the “grow the fuck up, death happens, these are fictional characters anyway” team back in 1986 certainly helped. I remember the anticipation to see that movie was unmatched. We couldn’t wait. Questions like “who the hell are these new Transformers on the poster?” shot out of the mind every kid. Then the movie started and hammer of reality slammed down on us all. That animated Transformers movie unknowingly calloused an entire generation to the concept of death when it it killed off all of our favorite toys right after the fucking opening credits had just finished rolling.  

Those new Transformers were the fresh toys Hasbro was pushing, and the best way to give them their moment? Get rid of the old ones. “They’re just robots, who gives a shit right?” was now doubt spoken by several executives. Well, we all gave a shit. It was like a 5 year old watching his mother OD on heroin at his birthday party before the candles are even lit.  
There we were, little kids weeping and consoling each other in theaters around the world. I remember right after Optimus died holding my cousin like Princess Diana held Elton John at Gianni Versace’s funeral. Those same kids, now 36-40 will be weeping all over again. There are new toys to introduce. It’s time to encase that Darth Vader helmet shaped action figure carrying case in glass and get a Kylo Ren one.  

None of this impending doom is stopping me from wanting to see this movie though. Watching the trailers is all I do now when I sit down to take a shit. The movie has entered that “no way this sucks” arena. I know that’s a dangerous place to put expectations. It’s like walking into bar knowing you’re going to get laid, then striking out so badly you wind up jerking off to a commercial with some chick in a football jersey trying to tell old guys she still thinks they should fuck…and you’re still at the bar… and you now need a lawyer.   
I’ll be at that movie heart in hand, waiting to see where the story goes next, while it buries it’s champions of the past… and hey, maybe I’m wrong and they all live and dance with the Ewoks all over again. Maybe the Autoerotic one ended up with a nice job at an accounting firm or some shit.

I could also be wrong and this new movie could be a stinking pile of shit. I’m fully aware that history is on the side of that happening. Usually part 7s don’t do as well as the first ones and honestly, there have been only 2 good movies in the series so far. But if any words of encouragement are needed to this franchise that’s going to the plate with a so-so average, it should be from our favorite soon to be departed Nerf Herder: “Never tell me the odds”.

Any comments? Email me

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Uncategorized - posted on June 25, 2015 by

The Space Math Battalion

Does anyone remember those shitty educational video games from school? Ever wondered what might be going through the brains of the characters in them?  Andrew Dewitt and I tried to figure that out.  It’s a new cartoon called The Space Math Battalion and it’s right here

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Uncategorized - posted on June 17, 2015 by

Cthulhu & Hal 

My dear friend Andrew Rollins Dewitt and I have made a silly cartoon.  It chronicles the adventures of everyone’s favorite Lovecraft Octopus God and HAL from 2001 and it’s right here. We hope you enjoy it.  

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Uncategorized - posted on May 13, 2015 by

Team Coco

I had the honor of performing on Conan I hope you enjoy it

 

 

 

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Uncategorized - posted on May 7, 2015 by

How I Dropped My Load Ep. 4

In this episode I talk Avengers: Age of Ultron and it’s right here

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Uncategorized - posted on April 30, 2015 by

The Sadness of Nerd Rage

A picture of Jared Leto as The Joker gets released and people get upset 

Here’s what I think

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Uncategorized - posted on April 30, 2015 by

How I Dropped My Load Ep. 3

Episode 3 is here baby!  I play with toys while on the can 

Click on this motherfucker right here

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