Star Wars: The Force Awakens is looming, and as we are all gleefully getting money shot by the anticipation, there’s a small tug of grief that’s been hitting me. Subtle jabs (similar to the one my cat gives me when the little shit is trying to steal a pillow) keep landing and while they don’t feel like they are doing much damage, they sure as shit are counting on the scorecard. Then, when the blows subside, the realization sets in. Han Solo is going to die.
It’s gonna happen. I’ve braced myself for this. The only dude I thought would ever have a chance against Indiana Jones in a fist fight is a goner. Our favorite scoundrel will have it all catch up to him. Just like the Kenny Rogers tune, we’ll see The Gambler break even. The Adele song to play over and over as I drive home from the theater crying while hearing him say “I don’t know, I can imagine quite a bit.” has already been picked out. Unless she has something even sadder coming out, it’s gotta be Someone Like You… right?!?
When he says “Chewie, we’re home”, he’s talking about a fucking graveyard. And you know what? I bet Chewie dies too. Freebase on Ginko so you never forget all the joy you had with him. Call up that one annoying dude you used to know who smelled like a freshly opened bag of potato chips, but hung out with anyway because he did a perfect impersonation of the great Wookie. Tell him you missed him. Encourage him to howl one more time.
Fuck it. They’re all going to die. The smart money is on R2-D2 dropping dead while chasing BB-8 around his yard just like Vito Corleone did with his grandson in The Godfather. Lando has probably already died. We’ll find out by some passing shot of a billboard advertising some shitty Cloud City minor league team having a “Lando Memorial Night” or some bullshit like that. I’m certain that the adorable baby Ewok from Return of the Jedi grew up to autoerotic asphyxiate itself.
Just be ready. I am. Seeing Optimus Prime take one for the “grow the fuck up, death happens, these are fictional characters anyway” team back in 1986 certainly helped. I remember the anticipation to see that movie was unmatched. We couldn’t wait. Questions like “who the hell are these new Transformers on the poster?” shot out of the mind every kid. Then the movie started and hammer of reality slammed down on us all. That animated Transformers movie unknowingly calloused an entire generation to the concept of death when it it killed off all of our favorite toys right after the fucking opening credits had just finished rolling.
Those new Transformers were the fresh toys Hasbro was pushing, and the best way to give them their moment? Get rid of the old ones. “They’re just robots, who gives a shit right?” was now doubt spoken by several executives. Well, we all gave a shit. It was like a 5 year old watching his mother OD on heroin at his birthday party before the candles are even lit.
There we were, little kids weeping and consoling each other in theaters around the world. I remember right after Optimus died holding my cousin like Princess Diana held Elton John at Gianni Versace’s funeral. Those same kids, now 36-40 will be weeping all over again. There are new toys to introduce. It’s time to encase that Darth Vader helmet shaped action figure carrying case in glass and get a Kylo Ren one.
None of this impending doom is stopping me from wanting to see this movie though. Watching the trailers is all I do now when I sit down to take a shit. The movie has entered that “no way this sucks” arena. I know that’s a dangerous place to put expectations. It’s like walking into bar knowing you’re going to get laid, then striking out so badly you wind up jerking off to a commercial with some chick in a football jersey trying to tell old guys she still thinks they should fuck…and you’re still at the bar… and you now need a lawyer.
I’ll be at that movie heart in hand, waiting to see where the story goes next, while it buries it’s champions of the past… and hey, maybe I’m wrong and they all live and dance with the Ewoks all over again. Maybe the Autoerotic one ended up with a nice job at an accounting firm or some shit.
I could also be wrong and this new movie could be a stinking pile of shit. I’m fully aware that history is on the side of that happening. Usually part 7s don’t do as well as the first ones and honestly, there have been only 2 good movies in the series so far. But if any words of encouragement are needed to this franchise that’s going to the plate with a so-so average, it should be from our favorite soon to be departed Nerf Herder: “Never tell me the odds”.
Any comments? Email me
Does anyone remember those shitty educational video games from school? Ever wondered what might be going through the brains of the characters in them? Andrew Dewitt and I tried to figure that out. It’s a new cartoon called The Space Math Battalion and it’s right here
My dear friend Andrew Rollins Dewitt and I have made a silly cartoon. It chronicles the adventures of everyone’s favorite Lovecraft Octopus God and HAL from 2001 and it’s right here. We hope you enjoy it.
I had the honor of performing on Conan I hope you enjoy it
In this episode I talk Avengers: Age of Ultron and it’s right here
A picture of Jared Leto as The Joker gets released and people get upset
Here’s what I think
Episode 3 is here baby! I play with toys while on the can
Click on this motherfucker right here
Episode 2 is up! I talk about the brilliant 3DS remake of The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
It’s right here
So, here is my new web series. It’s me on a toilet talking about whatever entertained me while on said toilet
Check out this good shit
I doubt I’ll ever podcast again. I really do appreciate all the love from the fans of The Ramble and This Is How Big Of A Nerd I Am. I am working on something else. It should be ready by next week and I really hope that you’ll enjoy it. Here’s an idea of what it will be. I promise it will be as stupid as it looks. Thanks to always excellent Andrew Dewitt for the artwork.